S1E19: House Renovations, Couples Finances, Date Night Adventures!

Pam and Deb jump into the realities of long-term partnerships—tackling home renovations, shifting financial priorities, and finding balance along the way. 

Transcript

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We make here is that all the conversations aren't easy. No. And that somebody used a great expression about a long relationship and what it that. What they called it. Oh, darn, I'm gonna have to come up with it. But it was like, I love them. I want to. Basically, I want to kill them, and I want to kill them. And I couldn't love them more. Like, there was a word or something they used for that, which was perfect. And welcome back to she Said. She Said. I am Pam Pryor, cfo, author, speaker, and I balance the books in our home. I'm Deb Reinhart, corporate executive, executive coach. And most of the time, I balance Pam. And don't be fooled by her balancing the books at home. I balance everybody else's books. You do. You balance a lot of people's books. That was one of those things. This week. It was so funny because we make sure that all of our clients have their 1099s done on time, their W2's done on time. And it was like the 31st. 11Th hour. 11th hour. I

think it might have actually been 11: 1:12

00 on the 30th birthday. I need to do mine. And went in and I had done them, but I'd been so busy, I'd forgotten I had done them early so that we wouldn't have this problem this year. I know, it was. It was lovely. And it gave

you, like, hours back. It's like it was like at 9: 1:26

00 because we actually, like, got to watch a TV show or something. Because that is a good point. You realize that you know what, I'm most excited to share. You do, don't you? Yeah. Go ahead, tell them. Yeah. Our date night. It happened. We actually had a date night. And probably for the first time in at least three months, maybe four time. Long time. But go ahead, go ahead. So we went up to Doylestown for a kind of a 20th anniversary thank you dinner that was being hosted by a friend of ours. Their 20th anniversary. Their 20th anniversary business anniversary. Melissa and Theo. And don't even ask me last names because I don't even know last names. But it's Zest. Culinary. Zest Culinary. And then might I tell you, and. We went to a wonderful little, wonderful little place in Doylestown, Pennsylvania, called Lula. Yeah. Cute, Cute restaurant. And amazing knickknacks, food and wonderful staff. So if you're in the Doylestown area in, I guess, mid bucks, upper bucks, lower bucks, mid bucks. I think it's probably up upper. We'll just say Doylestown's enough bucks. Our Pennsylvania people can correct us. Yeah. But Lula's a great place to stop in. It's the county seat. Not Lula's, but Doylestown. That's where we adopted Lindsay. It is. Or where I adopted Lindsay. Correct. Yes. So that was so much fun. So we got there and we had. They had drinks that were kind of on the house and they had awesome, like, hors d'oeuvres. Set around and get little gifts. Some of them were. Some of them were Theo's. Some of them. Yeah. Some of them were the restaurants. And the really cool thing was they did a champagne toast at like 7 o'clock and they thanked. What they did was invite everybody who'd had anything to do. Not anything, but significant things to do with kids, helping them keep their business up and running for 20 years. And they had the stories that most entrepreneurs have. Like, I almost shut the doors, you know, three times. But somebody or something came along and helped me. And it just reinforced into a firehouse. And you used their kitchen and. And, you know, we've had such a great relationship. Yeah. Been there ever since. Have such a great relationship. And the vineyards that they work, you know, one of the vineyards that they. Helped them at one point. Federal twisted. Yep. Federal twisted in New Jersey. Helped them out. Shout out. We're going to go visit that twisted. Federal. Some. Federal twisted. Is it federal twisted. Yeah. But the cool thing or the thing I kind of want to point out is in all of our businesses and careers, even when we think things are falling apart, if they're meant to fall apart, sometimes they are. And it ends up being an awesome thing for another reason. But a lot of times it's our network, it's our friends. Real network. Not like networking the corporate way network. It's our network of friends who kind of help us out. And if we all do that for each other, it's amazing how many businesses survive because of that. So they had a great. It was really heartening. They had a really great story. Yeah. And it was a lovely night. I know. We got home. We got home, like a little late. Yeah. Which was good. Pretty proud of us. So we did it, guys. We did it. We have pictures to prove it. We have pictures to prove it. Which I'm sure the team will drop on here. Yeah. So that's a big one. Okay. So one of the things that we. I don't think we disagree, but we might not align completely on is how to order the renovations in the house. So I think we successfully have A list of things we want to renovate. We have a, we have a shape of a list. We're a 22 year old house, which is fine. It's just. Yes, we have the concept of a list. Well, we're a 22 year old house that has some things that need to be done. I mean it's bottom line, there's. And there are structural things that need to be done and there are cosmetic things that need to be done and some of them involve both. So if you were to order our list, what would your top three be and why? Okay, if I were to order the top three not in any order, I can just give you the top three. Okay. So I would. The bat. The master bathroom. Okay. And the reasons has to be done. Because the paint is peeling off. The paint's peeling. I, the, the tile is. The tile is, is like, like the, the patterns on the tile are actually worn off. And the, and. And there's just like a little wiggle to the shower stall. And we don't use the jacuzzi. So I really just want to replace it with a style soaking tub. And the, and the space. Oh a stand up one. Like a four legged soaking. And the, the space is not, the space is not well organized. Like so we have in the, in the master suite we have one, we have one sink that's in the bathroom and then we have another sink that's just outside the bathroom. I don't like any of that layout. So like from the, from the, from the walk in closet to the, to the bathroom. Just the concept. Okay. So that the things I get there is kind of dumb space and paint that's really old and, and tile that's old shower that's old. And the floor is right above. The floor is right above the garage. And while I insulated I know that there, I know the floor is insulated, but I don't, but I'll tell you this. I don't know that it is not by. Not with a lot of insulation anyway. And the garage gets quite cold and so the floor, I mean we've measured that floor at like 40 some degrees and nobody wants to step on the bathroom floor at 40 some degrees coming out of the shower. Unless you're an ice bath person. No, it's not good. We could live like a spa barn. Okay, so that's. Yeah, that's the first. That's one. She walks through the snow and the ice to get to the ice. She does, she's. She's, she's a power woman. She's strong. The second thing that I would do is the. The kitchen. The kitchen. The kitchen. I mean, it functions. Absolutely. It functions, but it's our gathering space. It is a gathering space for us, and it's. And it's too small. Yeah. There's not enough. There's not enough counter space in the kitchen. So you're thinking making it, like, not necessarily the kitchen bigger, but certainly opening everything up and rearranging stuff so you can have more people and they're more comfortable. Right now, we all stand around in it. Yeah, I would actually. Yeah. And I've thought, like, do it, you know, maybe breaking through a wall into what is the dining room so that it's kind of just one big space. Because that's how we party. Yeah. And when we have, like, piano, when we have leader Abend kitchen. Nice to have it very be open. Yeah. So. So that would be. That would be one. I like that. So that's two. Now what's the third two? Oh, man, this is really hard. So I have a question. When I did that, when I did the bathroom and I did the kitchen, did we paint? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Phrase. Because now we didn't paint the whole house. We painted the kitchen and the bathroom or whatever we tore down. Okay. Good thing he can cut this video. I know. I know. It is the backyard. We'd have to do the backyard, because if too many more years go by with me having to deal with mud every time it rains, I. I will lose my mind. I'll lose my mind. That would be one of those explosions that happen. Mopping the floors, like, every day. Every other day is just no fun. Crazy. No fun. Yeah. When I'm. When I'm working, somebody needs to invent. The thing that you lay into your floor or rest on your floor. I don't know either way, but that's thick enough. That's like a cr. Like a little rug is too thin. And those things where you have to stop and dip your dog's paw in them are too ridiculously slow. There needs to be a mat with, like, a wall that they walk in. They like. It's like a shower machine. They stand in it with their paws for, like, three seconds, and it sucks all the wet and dirt out. You know, everybody claims that they have those kind of mats, and we've tried a bunch of them. I just. We got to make it. Our dogs there are too. They're too many. They move too fast. No, no, no, no. If we made the right thing, it's like A cage. Honestly, the. The amount of mud. It's like. It's like in a genomics company where you have that sealed room that you have to walk through in the middle to go from regular rooms into the lab. Yeah. We'd have that little room for the doggies with a very special thing that went and sucked the stuff out of. Their paws can create that. I think that's brilliant. Anybody who wants to pass patent that. I will support you with an investment. That's all I can say now. Okay. My three would be definitely. I would do just the deck in the back right now because it's an embarrassment and what. It just looks awful. Then I would do the kitchen because it's more like you're in it more often. And then I do the bathroom. That would be my order for those three. So I just do it a little bit backwards. 1. I wasn't putting them in order. Yeah. What order would you put them in? I don't know that I could choose. Well then I can. So that works beautifully. I don't know that it's all bad. It's just like. Honestly, what I really want to look. At it is it's all going to. Be so I just want to close my eyes. Like I want to go to Iceland at the end of this month and come home and have it done. Yeah, that's what I want because that's how fast construction happens. Well, I would love to go to Iceland at the end of this month and come home and have something started. Know you and you'd hate it if your house was under construction. I actually, I worry about you when your house is under construction. I'll be fine because I know what it's moving toward. You heard it here. I know what it's moving toward. I just crossed my eyes on that one. That was so crazy. What was our other topic for today, Francis? Finances. Oh, finances. Speaking of renovations, we are very different about finances. Yes, we are. And I think. I don't know if I'm right that it comes from sort of our backgrounds. I think there's maybe a possibility that it's related to our upbringing. Yeah. And so I. To just kind of give a little background. Grew up with probably what we call upper middle class family. From the time I was born, we traveled overseas. Dad was a corporate job, etc. And my dad however, had grown up in the depression and he was hyper sensitive when he was a young kid. This we know that he had to go live with cousins for a while because frankly his parents during the depression Couldn't afford to feed him and his brother, so they went and lived with some cousins. And I think that resonated with him like forever. So he was a guy who never borrowed any money his entire life, Peter. Period, end of story. He bought his houses, he bought his cars, he invested money for the family, which was a blessing because he died young. And that was a hugely wonderful decision for us. But I think I'm sort of the pendulum swinging the other way, like, because his life was so short and he lived it really scrimping and saving. Like we. But we, to be fair, you have pretty amazing. Well, because we were upper middle class, we were lucky. He scrimped and saved. Yeah. And we had like every Christmas, there were lots of gifts under the tree and we had anything. And you guys traveled and you. Well, the parents traveled, the kids didn't. Took you with them now and then. But that, but that's fine. That's how I would have done it if I had three kids, especially me. And so I, I really think that I might have swung the other way. And I'm a little less inclined to save, save, save, save, save. Wait for what you want to wait for what I want. Yeah. You don't have it. You don't have the patience. It's influenced by kind of two things. One is I didn't have to as a kid. Yep. And two is I look at my dad's short life and go, yeah, I don't, I don't want that. So. Well, I do want that. His life was huge, but I wouldn't want to have that gray cloud. Like, it had to be hard for him. Like if he was always remembering that it had to be hard. Either it was hard or it was a motivation. He loved his life. So I was gonna say, I don't know that, you know. Yeah, you, I think you might be putting a. You might be putting a negative PAM filter on. Yeah. His thing to rationalize my craziness. Correct. That would be possible. Could well be. I could see myself doing that. So could I. So it's cool to have pretty decent EQ and be able to see that when it's happening. Because I think that might be true. But you, on the other hand, where do you think your protectionism. Yeah, I'm, I'm very much the opposite. Right. So we did not grow up upper middle class. We're like firmly middle middle class. My, you know, my stepfather was a steel worker. My mom was a stay at home mom. Four kids. She didn't teach at all. She didn't teach. Oh, I didn't know that. Okay. Stay at home, Mom. And there were four kids and so like I was used to getting things on my birthday and Christmas. Like that was when you. And not always what you wanted or would have. No, certainly not everything, you know. Certainly not everything. Yeah, but. But you know, that's when you, that's when you got stuff. I mean, and so you saved. You. You kind of waited till you, till those days were able to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and that's carried forward. That really has, like, it's made me very mindful of making decisions about spending money instead of just assuming we could just spend, spend, spend. Hi, beans. And it is, it's very. I bet there are a lot of households with those differences. Yeah. And it's, it's really like I don't have any trick to managing it. But what I would say is it comes back to the same thing we were talking about before is you respect people in their own space. Well. And try to stay away from the judgments. Yeah. I think you do have to. You do have to balance. You have to talk about it. You really do have to talk about it because. Oh, God. Yeah, you have to talk about it. I don't mean to talk about it. I just, I don't have an answer for. Right. Oh, here's how you have this, here's how you deal with this stress. Because it's a stress. Like money's a stressor. I mean, finances are a stressor. Yeah. And so big breaker upper of marriages. It is. And it's. And it's when people have very different opinion views on money, it's really stressful. Right. So I mean, that's. And like anything else, I think transparency is what helps. It's like you can't bottle up. I mean, I'll be kind of completely like open here a while back. I won't give details. Like there was something. I was like a little bit stressed about the money for a period of time. And I let it boil and let it boil and let it boil. And I didn't tell Deb about it, that it was bothering me by. And finally it did. And she's like, what the hell? And you know, I've learned that no, I don't do that when I'm stressed. I'll tell you early now. So we kind of Learned over the 30 some years, here's how we need to handle it for us. Yeah, but all I meant was there's no, like. Oh, well, there's no. Yeah, there's no magic bullet about it. There's always emotion with money. But I do think, you know, the ability to respectfully have a conversation and talk and realize that sometimes there's. There's given. You have to arrange for give and take. You have to arrange for give and take. So, you know, I always. You get so crazy. First of all, right now she's the primary breadwinner in the house, like, bringing in more money than I am because I put money in the business, right? And she will say to me, can I buy? Blah, blah, blah. I'm like, it's your money and it's$8 and 50 cents. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you can make that decision. Yeah. So I'm sorry, but that's not yet. Like, I'm still. I'm still walking with my squeakers. How long have I been. Oh, my God. Have I been playing? Like, when. When's shaking their head. I'm like, how long have you had those shoes? A couple years maybe. Okay, a couple years. Two years and a heavy walker. Right. So done a lot of walking. They're worn out anyway. They're not worn out yet. They're worn out anyway and would be replacing them, but now we can't replace them because we think we might be replacing them because they squeak, which is kind of hysterical. I thought every shoe squeaked. No, but not like this. It's like. It's not like, you know, like you're on a. Like on a basketball course and it goes. And you won't place them. Every step I take, I said. When she asked permission, I said, yeah, we're. But then. Okay. And then I look at the. Then. So the other day, I don't really need them. The other day, I actually. I actually went to. Did you get close? I actually did. I was. I was online, and I'm like, I know exactly what I want. I want. I want Hoka Clifton nines. I know exactly what I want. So I went and I looked up the Hoka Clifton 9. It's $250. I'm like, who pays $250 for a pair of sneakers? That's crazy pants. A lot of people baked. So you know what I did? I know sneakers are crazy, man, but. I didn't buy the sneakers. I really. You're supposed to replace your shoes, like, every six months if you walk frequently. Just saying, what do you think? Like, a step lifetime. So, like, you should only take a certain amount of steps. I've taken a lot of steps in those. A lot of squeaking steps. They Start to degrading. And it's. Starts to hurt your foot and your soul and like your in. But you. It's been hurting my soul for. This is. I think that this is the thing. Like, I will watch her drive herself to misery, which then can affect other people in the house. I guess it can. Over things like that that you will. You just won't spend the money on. I asked. You know, and I do try to restrain. Can I just tell you the hysterical. I don't argue with you. You don't. You used to argue with me. I just go. But you know what is now funny? I will say this. What was the one thing on my Christmas list this year? I don't remember. I said, y'all can replace my squeakers. I don't remember. Nobody replaced my squeakers so that I wouldn't have to stress over spending $250 on a pair of sneakers. So here's the thing. For a year, she yells about her squeakers. At some point in some conversation that I don't remember, she probably said, you can get me squeakers for Christmas. I did. And so I hear a year of screaming. I don't hear the whisper. The one whisper. And I have blown it. But clearly I know exactly now what I need to do because I think you recorded what that sneaker was. Right. So I can go get it now. All right, good. I'll send you the link. Thank you very much. Because it's just one of those things where I don't p. I don't hear shit. Like, you gotta tell me. You know that. Like. But you make sure I hear that you have squeakers so that you get through to me. But the whisper about getting them for Christmas was so quiet. And I would not have known. I did not whisper, though. I did not whisper it. Where was I when you told me you needed you that I should. That that would be a good Christmas present. I was in the nest. Where. Where are you? 99 left my computer on my lap. And was I working again? 99 of the time it's not. 99. That's an exaggeration. Although I respect yourself 90% of the. Time, I will acknowledge that that is factually untrue. It is factually untrue. 90%. And if you were going to say something you really wanted me to hear, what might you do instead of telling me quietly. I didn't tell you quietly, while I'm in the middle of working in my nest. What I think actually it was in response to a question. What do you want For Christmas. I wouldn't ask that there because I wouldn't be able to take notes. Nice try. You have your notebook right there. Yes. What do you do when you're partner of 33 years has selective memory? That's an interesting one, right? Do you remind them how selective that memory is or do you let them get away with it? I will tell you. I go about 50. 50? Yeah, I go about 50. 50. Sometimes I will really push and say you are just remembering that in a way that you are misunderstanding 900 other people. Now I'm exaggerating. Remember it. But sometimes I just let it be because it's easier. Yeah. And there's just no need. It's okay. It's okay. So at some point maybe I'll just do it because Francis says that it's important to do. There you go. Now you've got a reason. That's. That's outside of you. So it's outside of me. I think that's the thing. But still 250, you know, for a pair of sneakers. This is actually an interesting. What can I do with $250? I get. There's a lot of things I could do with $250. This is actually an interesting. That's true. I have a very interesting comment for. A couple of weeks. Anybody want to hear it? Yeah, go. I can just talk to myself here if I want to. Go, Go. What I think would be a really powerful exercise for you is to sometimes say this sentence. I want this thing, so I'm going to buy it. I think that's probably a really hard exercise for you. It depends on it. Depends on what it is. Doesn't matter. No, no, no. Qualifying some things. I can say that too. Yeah, there are some things. Cool. Then here's. Here's your exercise for the week. Notice that during the week. And pick one. Pick a thing and go. And it has to be more than $50. Why? Because you and money, you've got a thing. So it's got to be more than $50. And you have to actually in your head say not. I'm getting this because when will like it? I'm getting this because Pam needs such and such. I'm getting this because Lindsay is this. It has to be. I want this thing and I'm going to get it. And I in turn will do a thing that's not business related because we've already put constraints on me there by giving Francis charge of the budget. But I will on our budget at at least one thing over 50 bucks. Say I really want that thing and not do it, and that's equally as hard for me. It's a deal. That's our week's exercise, and then we'll debrief next. She said. She said you need to make it a hundred dollar purchase. I know. Because you want to. Because you want to. How is that a punishment? You can do it. Do we. Do we think she. Well, we'll take bets on the side as well. She can do it or not. Oh, I could. I could get the. No, because you would not be doing that for you. You'd be doing that for me. Because when you travel, you take the toothbrush with you, and I'm left alone without it. No, it's got to be something you want and you get. Like, I wanted an origami book. I went, ordered it, got it, didn't ask anybody, didn't say, I'm getting this because Deb likes origami better than Legos because it doesn't clean up the house. So this is all for Deb. I take a voice lesson every week. There you go. That's purely for me. There you go. That's true. But you've already done that one, so you got to do another one. That is true. You know what? That is absolutely true. You did it. How did that feel? How does that feel? Most days it feels great. Awesome. Remember that feeling? Like, what it felt like to say, I want to do this, and I'm going to do it and then apply it to something this week. So we have an exercise. We have to debrief Frances on this next week. All right, So I think that's a wrap for this week, isn't it? Plenty of controversy, many things. The point we make here is that all the conversations aren't easy. No. And that somebody used a great expression about a long relationship and what it. What they called it. Oh, darn, I'm gonna have to come up with it. But it was like, I love them. I want to. Basically, I want to kill them, and I want to kill them, and I couldn't love them more. Like, there was a word or something they used for that which was perfect. And I think it is one of those things where sometimes you want to kill each other, but you wouldn't have it any differently. Do you think that? I think that. I hope you think that. You may not think that. Jesus. This could be the end, guys. If this is the last one, it's. Been great having you on. She said. She said, like, subscribe quickly while you still can. Like, subscribe leave us a comment and we will be sure to address whatever it is on the next. She said. She said, deb, you want to take us out? You just. Did you just. No, I didn't. I just fed it to you. No, you said, like, subscribe. That's, like, the thing, right? How would you take it out if it were your turn to take it out after I said that? Oh, dear God.